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Useta be, useta hafta, useta dew

March 8, 2013
* Do you know the origin of the shopping cart?
Read thru for a htory lesson at the end.

Hay Ya’awl,

Thare comes a time in the evolvemint of everyones currint exit stance, ta take an upstand-dance and tell the world why they’re standin way out thare dancin in the wind all alone firstly, and what that thare, way out thare stance is all abouwt secondly.  Now, since noBody dun told me the rules fer standin in the first place, and since’n I never could figure ouwt howta follow them their rules good enuf ta meet sumone elses standterds in the second place, I’m skippin firstly and goin right ta secondly. Secondly, if’n I was ever lucky enuf ta ever land in second place in the first place, I was purdee darn happy ta jist be a’standin thare.  Soes without further ta’dews in life ta stance upon, hare’s what its (the stancin up is) all abouwt…..

Remember when Ewe was a kid and those special and evun sum uv those knot so speciul old timers in yer life useta suddenly start talkin abouwt their good old days?  Ewe was jist so excited abouwt goin somewhare new and discoverin sumpthin knew ya had’unt ever seen so never hadta knowed abouwt bafore, when that special er knot so speciul old timer would put the NO on it, squashin yer new excitemint inta jist another knowed.  Wa’ell, Ewe all knowed what’s now a comin next…

“Back in the good old days when I useta be your age, why we useta hafta……” by the time they got ta there with that sentence the excitemint was dun gone, and thus yer attentiun ta what they was sayin went right along with it!  Now all uv us old enuf ta look back right now, knowed that what came after that useta hafta, was usually purdee downright important and had we knot stopped listenin and heard it right then in the first place, we’d uv avoided allot of second places down the trail aways.

So thare I was, after a’standin in the checkout line of that thare super grocery and what knot-shop, mega inconvenience store that has everythang beyond soup and nuts….  Come ta think abouwt it, I gotta back up a bit here ta set the stage fer my upcomin upstance I’m about ta take.

At last! Almost out of the
MegaSuperInconveinentWhatKnot Store!

Now bein close ta bein considered an old timer, especiully with taday’s standterds, I’m purdee set in my ways as well as my fixins when it comes ta grocery shoppin.  I also don’t like ta hesitate and pontificate in front uv fruits and vegetables, nor head cheeses and cows tongue fer that madder, by stoppin ta greet someone I might happened ta knowed at one point er the other, who I’d happen ta bump into in one of the aisles uv maizes whare it useta be easy ta be able ta find the aisle containing a jar of mayonaize, evun if it was outdated, thus hiding bahind the four to eight rows of that new Miracle Whip spreadin ouwt all over the formerly only one aisle of maize.

Soes after hustlin up and down all those aisles of mazes of aisles, lookin up and down fer the Hershey Chocolate Syrup that useta be always nexta the can of mixed nuts without the peanuts, I useta hafta always have ta go along with my real Ice Cream from real cows that useta be always in the freezer under the shelves that contained the Hershey Syrup nextta the nuts, and not findin it nowhares, I put the nuts back behind sumpthin newer than a miracle, and proceeded ta find the aisle that ledta the aisle uv mazes that ledta upta the front.  Sincen I gotta still have my real ice cream from real cows no madder what, I kept it in my depleted basket uv regular grocery fixins.

So backta where I was…….Thare I was…. when i finally gotta the conveyor ta download all my what knots but no nuts let alone Hersheys Chocolate Syrup, when the young feller scannin the purchases of the feller in front of me while talkin on his cellphone paused long enuf ta glance back ta me and ask if I had found everythang ok. Wa’ell, that snapped me right quick otta my daze from the maze of aisles of maizes, but bein almost an old timer, I patiently waited fer him ta put his cellphone down after I politely yelled at him ta “put his *$# damned cellphone down, and please finish with the feller in front of me. I’m havin a flashback ta back in the good old days, and dagnabbit I know about fadin out at the useta hafta moment, and Ewe ain’t abouwt ta fade out at what I’m abouwt ta say!”

End of the Trail. Or is it?

Wa’ell, I gotta tellya he as well as everybody put down their cellphones and everythang else they was holdin around me right quick.  It also got real quiet so I quickly made my point:

“Back in the day when I useta be your age, we useta hafta actually work in the aisles and useta hafta stamp the stock with one hand, while stocking the shelves with the other, while the customers were actually shopping in the store.  Not only that, we useta hafta put our own dollar under our nametags, and if the customer greeted us before we could stop working long enough to turn around and say, “hello, may I help you find anything?”, the customer could take our dollar, which we then useta hafta promptly replace out of the $1.75 an hour we were making to keep the shelves stocked.  Now some customers caught on purdee quick, and thus made it a point to try to sneak up behind us and grab that dollar, so we got reel good at working and watching over our shoulder ta pratect our dollar at the same time.  Now mind you, this was also back in the day of the six to twelve max aisle grocery (or bowling alley) only, not everything including what knot megastores, where the related groceries useta be always stocked next to other complimentary grocery only items, even if it meant a couple of different places in the store for the convenience of would be dollar heisters, so they didn’t have to walk down all six to 12 max aisles just to find the Hersheys Chocolate Syrup that should be right next to the mixed nuts that should be right above the ice cream! Why back in the day, we also then useta hafta stop our stampin and stockin, get up from kneelin down, walk the would be dollar heister over to the nuts right next to the soup, and pick up the can, not bottle of syrup, from where we also always useta hafta make sure it was also stocked, 2 to 4 product rows deep, before we could close the store when the last customer was finished with their shopping.  Then, we could finish up our work, stamping and stocking.  Yes sir, back in the good old days when our “schedule” only contained a start time.

Now I’ve been up and down your maze of aisles of maizes looking for the simple ingredients for a chocolate sundae.  You being the only store employee I’ve encountered since coming in the front door, asking me that question at this point, when you probably wouln’t know “the where”, and you really can’t do anything about it even if I told you I didn’t find everything, while the only chocolate sundae ingredient I could find in this mega EveryWhatKnotThang besides grocery store is melting in my cart, is a waste of your friends air time and my time, but thanks anyway for inconsiderately asking!”

Now, how the heck did that git here?

Wa’ell he told his friend he’d hafta call him back, looked at the time on his cellphone as he finished up his business, then turned to tell the manager who suddenly appeared standing behind him, he was actually late for taking his break, and left.  She scanned me out without the insincere smile, or question, without the ice cream by this time, and I left.

There was another grocery only, old eight aisler store abit further down the trail, that had always been better staffed and welcoming that suddenly also became allot more convenient. I got my ice cream, Hersheys Chocolate Syrup, some soup, and even the can of peanut free mixed nuts.

I guess it is now already Back in the Good Old Days, when the U.S. useta hafta dew jist abouwt anything the world useta look ta us to dew, that we useta be able to respond with innovation and resolve, leading the world up to a better day. We also useta take care of the home team, watching out for our friends, relatives, and neighbors who maybe weren’t quite as lucky, or talented as we were with constantly winning and always being in first place.  But then, back in the good old days, we also never useta frown, look down upon, or leave our friends, relatives and neighbors as Homeless outcasts, just for not being as lucky or talented and coming up aliitle short in second place.  Maybe that’s what kept us first in the worlds eyes, when it usta hafta, as well as want to, look to us, as being able to do, just about anything,,,,,,Back in the good old days.

Vagabond Ted

* there I go again, like Ronny Raygun promisin more than he or I can daliver.  I’ma gonna hafta apologize hare and promise ta give ya the history lesson of the shopping cart next storytime, from along the trail…..

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