Holiday LeftBahinds

January 9, 2013

Whare else kin I put it? I’m homeless!

Hay Ya’awl,

Not ta sound like one uv them thare after Christmassy sails, but now that the holidays are bahind us and we kin all git back ta our regular lives, maybe I kin find sumpthin alittle less urgent ta right*,,, abouwt. Bafore I dew that, I got some LeftBahind storees frum this last year ta clean up. These are the quick versions all clumpt tagether, soes as bafore, each should be given allot moor time and attentiun cuz their whole storee really does need ta git told, and heard. Hopefully I’ll git back ta each hare one day soon. Anyways, here’s my left bahind cleanup from the Holidays so we kin all look forward, tagether at last…

Navigatin that thare recent holiday season shore was a tuff won, wasn’t it? Why, with all the extra travelin, extra stops fer the extra relatives on the viewin slate, and gift wrappin fer in-laws, ex-laws, a few outlaws and lays, bosses, and fouwks we’d like ta impress enuf ta make ’em our new boss, it’s a wunder how ordinary sumBodys have enuf time ta find ta squeeze it all in. Problem is, we don’t. One uv them thare Einstein’s Laws of Newtonian Physics gits in the way by stating that “when everybody’s a squeezin in the same motion, sumpthin gits squeezed ouwt in the unequal and complete opposite die-rectiun,without evun attemptin ta make a remotion.” That did’unt bode well fer Vagabonds who by this time uv year, had already been dun squeezed ouwt. Thus, hare is the storee uv how Einstein’s Law uv Newtonian Physics for LeftBahind Vagabonds came to pass….

A long time ago bafore Ted here became a Vagabond (no relatiun), he was jist an ordinary kid looking forward to Santa and Christmas.

another Vagabond named Ted
(no relatiun)

Every Christmas Eve, Ted with all his brothers, sisters, and secritally adopted sister, would git packed inta theVan bafore they got downsized ta Minis, with all the presents, coolers, casserole containers, and unattached kitchen appliances and holiday servin utinsils that the non-miniVan, could maxiMommly hold, and git carted in the back with all the freight and packaging over the river, around the bends, and thru the woods to Grandma’s farmhouse. After a very brief hello, Dad would pack up a few uv the non-secritally adopted kids and head uptown fer that very speciul but unrare occasiun whare they were allowed ta watch Dad buy and toast the town Santas till he was broke and they were thoroughly red, with Denny’s special secrit recipe, Uncle Tom & Jerry batter (why Denny called his batter Uncle Tom & Jerry’s, is a very well kept secrit unrelated to the secritally adopted sister). The kids that could self load made sure the kids who became secritly loaded got reloaded into theVan and off to his Dad’s, the Grumpy Grandpa fer Christmas Eve. Mom would wait for the call from Denny that the special batter named after somebody else was gone, thus Dad had left the bar, and borrow the Good Grandparents car to cart the rest uv the kids inta town for the annual, We’re Fancier than Ewe Cuz we’re the City (pop 4,173) Inlaws, Christmas Eve Dinner. Grumpy would have his old Coldcuts and dayold Sunbeam Bread from the route distribution center on the table so the kids could make a sandwich if they got hungry. If Mom didn’t forget and leave the cooler bahind at Grandma’s, the kids could sneak a condiment or two on the sandwich (since Grumpy had been a LeftBahind kid, he didn’t like leftovers and wasn’t about to buy anything that only got taken out of the refrigerator once a year). Once all 15 to 20 of Grumpy’s grandkids (depended upon the number of cousins and cousins kids who got left bahind) opened their gifts and got their picture taken on Grumpy’s lap, if Dad hadn’t passed ouwt or had reawakened, he’d drag race Mom back to her folks farm to drop off the borrowed car. If he didn’t pass out again on the farmhouse porch during the car drop, he’d drive back around all the bends, over the river and across the state line so Santa could maybe sober up before Christmas morning. After Christmas morning presents were opened, Dad would get rinsed and repeat the routine, carting everyone back over the river, around the bends and through the woods, but just to Grandma’s house. Thankfully, Denny’s closed early on Christmas Day (noon) so all the red Santas would hafta have a Christmas Dinner somewhere else. On Christmas Day, Dad’s routine was forced to stop at Grams.

The rinse and repeat routine came in handy the year Ted dacided to follow in Grumpy’s footsteps and become a LeftBahind. He’d grown enough ta realize jist how Red all those Santa’s were gettin year after year and that the batter recipe and the origin of his little sister weren’t the only secrits. There was a secrit Red Santa bahind the wheel of theVan drivin him back around all those bends and over that damned crickity old river bridge every Christmas Eve. He’d studied the Newtoian Law of Einstein’s Physics and realized someday, something, was going to get squeezed out the wrong end and did’unt want it to be another Vagabond named Ted. the end

Holiday LeftBahind # 2: I knows ya’awl mean well an give allot moor ta the Savation Army of fake Santa Clauses and regular Joes arming the red fire buckets while ringin their alarm bells, and that does help that fine organizatiun take care uv lots of my friends, but it does’unt go very far ta fillin that thare hole in the pit uv a Vagabond’s stomach that’s been growin and yearnin all year. And I ain’t tauwkin abouwt the regular everyday panges uv hunger we’awl feel every regular day.

Jist liek fer Ted, this hare holiday conjurs up sum uv those speciul memories when allot uv us Vagabonds usta be jist kids uv ordinary fouwk. Those memories kin be reel hard ta deal with when you’re homeless and the world’s dun fergot about ya as it’s too busy pretendin ya don’t really exist, soes it kin get alittle despressin. Most Vagabonds douwn’t have regular access ta doctors and happy pills or bartenders and parasoiled drinks like ewe’awl dew ta rely on fer help durin these unhappy holiday times, so we tendta hafta improvise an see what we kin find on the streets. Now it’s not like we all dew without, but lets jist say this: Access ta street pharmachronology and it’s highly specialized, secrative chemists is a whole nuther storeeline with adversarial side effects and impacts that kin carry very grave and long term mandatory consequences. I jist don’t have the time, necessary skills, nor witness protectiun programs at my disposal ta write abouwt it in this hare blog. It’s available, balieve Ewe me it gits used, but ya douw’nt wanna resort to it unless ewe is absolutely destitute and despaired, cuz it’ll take ya thare in a heartbeat if ewe already isn’t. Nuf said so,,,,,, The End

Holiday LeftBahind # 3: Now Sandy’s tale here has a different sort uv twist. I knows allot uv Ewe is lookin at this picture an taint balievin this purdee gal kin be homeless. Bein an old midwest farm raised Vagabond when I was a kid, I ain’t the kind ta be a’lyin to ya and in fact, I knows moor abouwt Sandy’s storee than evun she realizes cuz I grew up in that same area and toxic environmint she hadta deal with. Sandy shore is Homeless, and liek most uv us, fer not very good, soes all the wrong reasons.

Sandy frum the UP
(upper peninula fer all Ewe flyover only fouwk)

Sandy is frum the UP (upper pennisula fer all Ewe shoreline only, flyover the heart uv it fouwk) and her storee is purdee simple and straightforward. Relative family values, set by the one relative who takes it upon ThemSelfish ta make up their own rules fer what a family and a value is, and then wraps their Decree uv Artificial and Superficial Judgemints in insincerity, imposin ’em on all the relatives, especiully inlaws is the simple and straigtforward reason. These become very dark and powerful forces that kin derail a family member inta Vagabondism quicker than a locamotive can speed skip off the tracks, especiully when they impose ’em when the relative taint lookin. Sandy hare, was the wife uv a fine upstandin Midwestern “buithneth” man who dacided one day that she was drinkin jist a bit too much like one uv his feller good ole boys, and that ain’t good fer the reputatiun uv a fine reputable, good old boi frum a long family line uv fine, good ole boy Midwesterers.

Alittle history lesson with the storee maybe in order here. See, way back in the day, Wisconsin gave up the UP ta Michigan cuz the huntin and fishin on it were no good, and evun if it had been, thare weren’t no reel good reasons ta go any further north than Lambeau field in Green Bay. Evun though those thare northern Wisconsinites gave it up, the fouwks that got stuck thare and hadta go with it, took that old fashioned, traditiunally washed out brain mentality that balieves if a fine upstandin good ole boi “buithneth”man said his wife was drinkin too much like a good old boy and labeled her an unfit mother, the good old boy court system is gonna make shore that thare label sticks.

Now bein a corn fed midwesterner by way of eatin beef and hog, Sandy didn’t jist give up that easy. She moved in with one uv her blood relatives south of the Lambeau field line and fought tooth and nail ta keep the rights ta see her kid, but good ole bois and the bois instilled in their court systems is tough and can make up sum purdee mean rules as they go along. By movin in with a blood relative that used a different substance of preference, Sandy got labeled a druggie quicker than the chicken callin the turkeyneck red (if’n Ewe coastal fouwk catch my drift). One thing good old boys tolerate less than a wife whose startin ta drink like a good ole boi, is a druggie. Sandy thus got forced ta give up when all her friends heard uv her new label and quit bein supportive in fear uv retro-buttiun, so she moved ta the coast.

If ya read this storee and happen ta recognize Sandy, git ahold uv her son and tell him she really misses him. He’s nineteen now, so maybe Ewe could plant a suggestiun in that thare red-washed-out skull uv his that formerally housed a brain, that maybe he could head west and visit her on the coast fer a spell. That shore would be a welcome visit and would dew them both a world uv good,,, outside that old boi.

There I go again liek Ronny Raygun gittin so carried away tellin the storee I’m runnin outta time and room ta finish my list uv LeftBahinds. I guess I’ll carry ’em forward inta the new year and be more resolute ta dew a bedder job uv tending to ’em timely in the first place. Huh. Taint it funny sumtimes how ya end up writin sumpthin different than what ewe expected, and then learnt sumpthin while ewe was at it hikng along the trail?

Maybe we kin all combine the lesson uv Sandy’s storee with that Newtonian Law of Einstein’s Physics. If we relax our rules and judgemints jist abit, and stop squeezin relatives ouwt because they douw’nt quite fit ThemSelfish super-imposed artificial rules, there wood’unt be quite so many LeftBahind Vagabonds on the streets in the first place. Then, if we kin all jist dew a little better job uv knot bein so busy we fergit the important things in our lives till the very last minute, there jist may not be any Vagabonds LeftBahind at’tall.

Vagabond Ted

* Now sum uv Ewes may have knowed me bafore, and knows I kin spell with the best uv ’em and evun pronunci-communicate on a perfessiunal basis when I git a hankerin two. I jist ain’t had a hanekerin too in a long, long time. Ewe also may have thunk ewe knowed me well enuf back then ta git the jist uv my doubleflip, backsided, un-tundra meanings that make up the jist uv my sentences. But this hare blog is fer those fouwks who don’t know me as well as Ewe fouwks usta think ewe did, soes I need ta explain sumpthin hare….. I did not spell right incorrectly above, nor misuse the Dictonary’s definition of the term. The purpose of this blog is to attempt to correct (right, fer those uv Ewe who still taint followin along) a wrong our society has let grow to epidemic proportions during the past 20 year longest and greatest stretch of economic prosperity in our history, until the mini-Bush came along and blew it all on a party in his attempt to one-best his Daddy.

I got tired uv the small steps I was takin to help alleviate the epidemic soes thought, wa’ell if I kin write abouwt in a fashiun interistin enuf ta git liek minded fouwk ta readin it, maybe I kin git them ta start thinkin and actualizin upon it. Soes I hope that explains it well enuf fer all Ewe new Ewes, and also fer ewe Old Goats who usta pretend ta know me, ta finally git it!

Vagabond Ted